I feel guilty. Today, my nerves are wracking, my thoughts are hanging and i feel awfully guilty for hurting the person who loves me. We're about to get married in four months and I called it off. All because of the fear of getting into a married life. All because I realised that he's not my one. I am so sorry. I really am, but if I continue this and get through it for the sake of all the people who are excited about it, i don't think its the right move. Today, I know I don't have anything else to say. I have said my piece. 

And so I pray, GOD, please forgive me. Forgive me for hurting him. Forgive me for not listening. Please heal us both. Heal his heart, that he may learn to understand the bigger picture of this. That I cannot give what he deserves. Heal his mind from harmful ways. Heal us both, dear God. Heal me, that I may be free from this guilt of hurting the one who loves me. You know the truth and the future. You know the way. You know what our heart desires, please dear Lord.. let us live forgiving each other and finally moving on. 

You know which path we're going through. Let us live with peace of heart and grant us peace of mind. 

I am sorry, God. I am sorry, nanay. I am sorry, chocho. 

My ComeBack!

Hello everyone! And I am back once again from tremendous multi-faceted life of mine. I have been busy lately with personal matters, my life, my career and problems. I would have wanted to cross out the problem but that's what's good with trials, it makes your realize how lucky you are for being alive and spending time thinking about them. Unlike others who doesn't even have time to think of what they feel or just merely think. I am talking to myself once again, but that's okay, its normal, right? 

As the months go by, there are things that i have to organize and things that i need to accomplish so i figured, since i cannot organize it and i am overthinking it, i will have to start somewhere, somehow so we can move forward. Blogging is one way that can help me from now on so you just have to bare with me because there's going to be rantings and raves in here but hopefully more positive things to talk about my life's realization everyday starting today. I can't wait!!! Ohhh, i am excited to start but need to zip it. One topic at a time! :) You'll see me in the next couple more days! :) 

Have fun today! 

Para sa bayan kong Pilipinas....

I am not anti-Aquino nor pro-Marcos... i am just a mere Filipino citizen who still believes that our country will someday be no longer called as the third world country, that each and every one of us will strive to get a decent life, that our leaders will start working for everyone's benefit and stop thinking about themselves. I am a professional and i work in a government agency. I am not being righteous.. I just wanted to share my piece.

Everyday we see the poverty as we walk along the streets and we ignore it. We hear the battle cry of the poor and yet we pretend not to hear it. We are all aware that rich families are totally rich and we need no dictionary to define it. While the middle earners who sips a hundred peso cold coffee still strives for a better living, for a better future. In the news, we hear authorities abuse their powers yet we don't care much. Maybe some of us site our opinions then we forget it. That's when they say Filipinos are very forgiving, we don't obey our OWN rules, we bend it as long as we can. We shrug off our law, we don't respect them anymore. Everyday, i seriously keep wondering.. maybe its almost end of the world. Dahil karamihan ng mga tao ay nasasanay nang mabuhay sa kasalanan.


Ang mahirap sa Pilipinas ay hindi tao, kundi ang ugali ng Pilipino. Hangga't pwedeng lumusot -- lulusot. Palagi tayong "pwede na yan!"... wag tayong masanay sa "pwede na". Huwag nating sanayin na mabuhay sa isang bansang madali na lang ang pumatay para sa kakainin ng pamilya. Nasasanay na tayo sa mga umaabuso dahil lang sa mataas nilang ranggo. Huwag tayong masanay na makiusap at gumamit ng mga impluwensya.

Wala na tayong magagawang maayos pa

Para sa mga naghihikahos:

Pwede naman kayong magtrabaho ng marangal o di kaya'y iwasang magpadami ng anak. Huwag tayong masanay sa pwede na ang "ganitong buhay" kung sa bawat araw na ginugugol mo ay umaasa ka sa ibang tao para mabuhay ang pamilya mo. Hindi tayo pwedeng mabuhay sa isang lugar na hindi mo pag-aari, hindi mo binabayaran at balang-araw ay galit ka pa kapag pinaalis ka. At kung ikaw ay nasa probinsya, hindi ba mas maganda kung simple lang ang buhay? May tanim kang gulay, may alaga kang hayop o malapit ka sa palaisdaan at ang bibilihin mo lang ay bigas. Nakaraos ka na. At kung nanaisin mo ng mas marangyang buhay, pwede kang magbenta ng mga tanim o alaga mo.

Para sa mga middle earners:

How many phones do you have? How much do you spend once you go out with your friends? Bakit kaya wala kang "big time" na trabaho? Dahil hindi ka galing sa  ma-impluwensyang pamilya o dahil hindi ka galing sa 'recognized university'? Kelan kaya darating ang panahon na wala ka nang huhulugang installment bills dahil kaya mo nang magbayad ng cash?

At para naman sa mga mayayaman:

Is your money not enough to share it to others and stop asking for more? You go to a charity and drop an envelope regularly. Why not try to spend some time with the people you're helping for atleast three days so you may have a better grasp of what its like to be "poor" in our country.

To the leaders in our country:

We didn't ask you to run for the position, you happened to be there because you promised to give the best  and we believed. Do not complain about your salaries since you know beforehand what you will be earning and then try to steal OUR hard-earned money. We don't deserve it, no one does.

Next year will be another election year for us, please try to pick the better ones if not the best.

Huwag tayong masanay sa kung ano ang kayang ibigay sa atin.. We cannot defeat anything if we don't acknowledge and try to do something good about it. Hindi ito ang mga Pilipinong kinagisnan ko at hindi ganito ang Pilipinas na inaasam ko. Hindi po ako perpektong tao, but i try to do my share in my own little way. Stop when it's red, sumakay sa tamang sakayan, tumawid sa tamang tawiran, huwag magtapon o magkalat sa daan para mabawasan ang baha, magdala ng re-usable bags para mabawasan ang plastic, pumila ng maayos, igalang ang batas. Kung hindi tayo kikilos at tutulong, sino pa ang magmamalasakit sa sarili nating bayan? 

this is just an introduction

have you ever experienced the enthusiasm so full that you don't wanna stop what you're doing or you just want to do something to keep you going? i am right now! i don't even have the idea of what to write but my fingers just like to type something, with or without any sense. i have been struggling with myself lately and i am glad that i have put my feet back again. my thoughts were full of doubt that i had to find out some answers in the most ridiculous ways. it's funny actually -- so funny that its too embarrassing to tell. 

there are times in your life that you feel that your time has stopped and it gives you the chance to look at where you're standing on that very moment and suddenly you realize again that you're actually going nowhere. i was on that position a few months ago. i don't think it's the age that tells you what you've done but the people around you whom either you just met, or meet again after so many years or people who you just saw along the way. its the COMPARISON. i know you'd say it's bad but sometimes it's healthy to envy other people. it challenges you to raise up your standings. 

now i have gained back my consciousness or should i say my sanity. i have found my direction and i owe it to people who supported me and as well as the people who questioned my ability. And as i walk into that journey, it dawned to me a lot of things -that in life, sometimes things that you're looking for are just right inside you. There are some that has to be left behind so you could move forward but the lessons from it will always leave you a message. You're the only one who can make choices for yourself and that choice whether it be good or bad, happy or sad, eventually it will all fall into place because it's YOU who makes your own path. 

i'd love to be your last...

the first time i heard it, i knew it was for you, Mr. Charlemagne Enriquez Marquez 

the song that i wanted you to have.... :) 

it is more than i love you! 

i don't care if i'm your first love... but..

i'd love to be your last

my Future's Day

Today in his time.. it is his Birthday. The first ever birthday we're together figuratively but we're not spending it together literally. Sadly, yes.. nevertheless, this is the start of our life together as lovers. Isang mabait na tao, responsable, maalalahanin, magalang, palakaibigan at may takot sa Diyos. He has this faith in God that i've never seen in anyone before. I am not exaggerating. It is true.  Ang taong nagpapatibok ng puso ko mula Pilipinas hanggang sa gitna ng dagat sa katimugan ng mundo. Ang taong nagpapasaya ng araw ko, nagpapangiti sa bawat SMS sa umaga na nakukuha ko, nagpapatawa sa bawat tawag na natatanggap ko at sa bawat liham na ginagawa nya para sa ikasasaya ko. (oh yes, we're exchanging hand-written letters, the conservative way) Ang lalaking matagal ko nang hinintay at hindi ko inaasahang matagal ko na palang nakilala. Siya ang huling komplikadong lalake na makakarelasyon ko dahil siya ang una at huling taong pakakasalan ko. I claim it, Lord, because i know the day we met for the third time was not an accident. It was not a coincidence.. there was a purpose... a reason why everything has to happen.

And so today, i pray that you may have better if not the best birthday. Each year is getting better... and how i wish i could spend it with you. But like how we met last year, there's a reason why we're miles apart. There's a tear in my eyes, my heart is aching that i can't be with you.. but i still wish you the very best in life, my future. Soon, we'll be together at hinding-hindi na tayo maghihiwalay. Mahal na mahal na mahal kita, Charlemagne Enriquez Marquez... wala nang hahanapin pa! 

Be Blessed and Enjoy! Cheers to your --th year of existence in the world. I love you, tay!.. my Mengk, my Charlemagne, my love, only one, my last boyfriend and my future husband! BTL! 

peaceful

kevin kern's imagination of light

One of the most amazing music i've ever heard. This will definitely be included in my wedding songs! and hopefully it'll be near... inshala! as my esposo-to-be tells me.. :) 


I can't wait to hear I Am Always Right Here when i walk down the aisle. I love it!