i am mixed up

I am missing him so much! That has been the feeling since he left to work. He needed to, that's the nature of his career. I stopped looking at his photos and his profile because i am longing for his presence more and more. I knew even before that we will be coming to this point, where i will be looking for attention and long for his touch and his presence but i never thought it would be this hard and helpless. We still have more months, weeks and days to keep this feeling and i don't know how much longer can i hold. 


Frankly, this feeling is not a good one for me. I tend to pretend that i am strong and that i can take all this inside me until this burst out into numbness. At the moment, that is what i am afraid of... that i may get tired of waiting. I hope not. Earlier in the Blessed Sacrament, I was praying intently for our petitions until i felt the guilt somehow for the people he will leave behind for me. i know i am not part of the brokenness but at at the back of my mind, i was wondering on the possibility of things that could happen if they tried to pray harder for this. I felt selfish. There was persistence in my part once that thought triggered into my mind. I know for sure, i don't wanna lose him. I don't want him back there. I want him to stand up for me and step forward with me, holding my hand firmly and taking me to our plans. I want him that much. And so i prayed again and begged to God that He may let us live to what we believe he prepared for us. 


In this times of doubts, i miss you badly.