this is just an introduction

have you ever experienced the enthusiasm so full that you don't wanna stop what you're doing or you just want to do something to keep you going? i am right now! i don't even have the idea of what to write but my fingers just like to type something, with or without any sense. i have been struggling with myself lately and i am glad that i have put my feet back again. my thoughts were full of doubt that i had to find out some answers in the most ridiculous ways. it's funny actually -- so funny that its too embarrassing to tell. 

there are times in your life that you feel that your time has stopped and it gives you the chance to look at where you're standing on that very moment and suddenly you realize again that you're actually going nowhere. i was on that position a few months ago. i don't think it's the age that tells you what you've done but the people around you whom either you just met, or meet again after so many years or people who you just saw along the way. its the COMPARISON. i know you'd say it's bad but sometimes it's healthy to envy other people. it challenges you to raise up your standings. 

now i have gained back my consciousness or should i say my sanity. i have found my direction and i owe it to people who supported me and as well as the people who questioned my ability. And as i walk into that journey, it dawned to me a lot of things -that in life, sometimes things that you're looking for are just right inside you. There are some that has to be left behind so you could move forward but the lessons from it will always leave you a message. You're the only one who can make choices for yourself and that choice whether it be good or bad, happy or sad, eventually it will all fall into place because it's YOU who makes your own path. 

i'd love to be your last...

the first time i heard it, i knew it was for you, Mr. Charlemagne Enriquez Marquez 

the song that i wanted you to have.... :) 

it is more than i love you! 

i don't care if i'm your first love... but..

i'd love to be your last

my Future's Day

Today in his time.. it is his Birthday. The first ever birthday we're together figuratively but we're not spending it together literally. Sadly, yes.. nevertheless, this is the start of our life together as lovers. Isang mabait na tao, responsable, maalalahanin, magalang, palakaibigan at may takot sa Diyos. He has this faith in God that i've never seen in anyone before. I am not exaggerating. It is true.  Ang taong nagpapatibok ng puso ko mula Pilipinas hanggang sa gitna ng dagat sa katimugan ng mundo. Ang taong nagpapasaya ng araw ko, nagpapangiti sa bawat SMS sa umaga na nakukuha ko, nagpapatawa sa bawat tawag na natatanggap ko at sa bawat liham na ginagawa nya para sa ikasasaya ko. (oh yes, we're exchanging hand-written letters, the conservative way) Ang lalaking matagal ko nang hinintay at hindi ko inaasahang matagal ko na palang nakilala. Siya ang huling komplikadong lalake na makakarelasyon ko dahil siya ang una at huling taong pakakasalan ko. I claim it, Lord, because i know the day we met for the third time was not an accident. It was not a coincidence.. there was a purpose... a reason why everything has to happen.

And so today, i pray that you may have better if not the best birthday. Each year is getting better... and how i wish i could spend it with you. But like how we met last year, there's a reason why we're miles apart. There's a tear in my eyes, my heart is aching that i can't be with you.. but i still wish you the very best in life, my future. Soon, we'll be together at hinding-hindi na tayo maghihiwalay. Mahal na mahal na mahal kita, Charlemagne Enriquez Marquez... wala nang hahanapin pa! 

Be Blessed and Enjoy! Cheers to your --th year of existence in the world. I love you, tay!.. my Mengk, my Charlemagne, my love, only one, my last boyfriend and my future husband! BTL! 

peaceful

kevin kern's imagination of light

One of the most amazing music i've ever heard. This will definitely be included in my wedding songs! and hopefully it'll be near... inshala! as my esposo-to-be tells me.. :) 


I can't wait to hear I Am Always Right Here when i walk down the aisle. I love it! 

4give

anyone can hold a grudge,but it takes a person with character to forgive. When you forgive, you release yourself from a painful burden. FORGIVENESS doesn't mean what happened was OK, and it doesn't mean that person should still be welcome in your life... IT just means you have made peace with the pain and you're ready to let it go.

i am mixed up

I am missing him so much! That has been the feeling since he left to work. He needed to, that's the nature of his career. I stopped looking at his photos and his profile because i am longing for his presence more and more. I knew even before that we will be coming to this point, where i will be looking for attention and long for his touch and his presence but i never thought it would be this hard and helpless. We still have more months, weeks and days to keep this feeling and i don't know how much longer can i hold. 


Frankly, this feeling is not a good one for me. I tend to pretend that i am strong and that i can take all this inside me until this burst out into numbness. At the moment, that is what i am afraid of... that i may get tired of waiting. I hope not. Earlier in the Blessed Sacrament, I was praying intently for our petitions until i felt the guilt somehow for the people he will leave behind for me. i know i am not part of the brokenness but at at the back of my mind, i was wondering on the possibility of things that could happen if they tried to pray harder for this. I felt selfish. There was persistence in my part once that thought triggered into my mind. I know for sure, i don't wanna lose him. I don't want him back there. I want him to stand up for me and step forward with me, holding my hand firmly and taking me to our plans. I want him that much. And so i prayed again and begged to God that He may let us live to what we believe he prepared for us. 


In this times of doubts, i miss you badly. 

my Prayer...

I want you to remember the last blog i posted here wherein i asked God to shoo away the guy who started dating me last month. He turned out to be a more religious person than i am because God favored his request than mine. We kept on dating and our usual place is the church. Would you believe, we go to the Lord's home almost everyday for the past weeks he's been here. After 10 days, in his hometown, while we were all standing at the street corner, I glanced at him and saw him thinking of what to buy while his arms were crossed in his chest. I knew from that moment on, I was falling for this guy. He has been very thoughtful and concerned about me and until now after a month, he is consistently caring for me.

Now, i can say that there is really one person who will love you truthfully. God has always been listening to our prayers and we have to trust him fully because HE has better plan for us. I knew that this person is the last guy i will fall inlove with. I knelt in a church and asked God that may He not take away the person kneeling beside me, and i promised that I will never hurt him nor leave him through thick and thin.

Indeed, it is true that once you put GOD in the center of your relationship, things will always be smooth and sound. And i thank God that he made me wait for Charlemagne.. everyone, let me introduce the last boyfriend i will ever have...