4give

anyone can hold a grudge,but it takes a person with character to forgive. When you forgive, you release yourself from a painful burden. FORGIVENESS doesn't mean what happened was OK, and it doesn't mean that person should still be welcome in your life... IT just means you have made peace with the pain and you're ready to let it go.

i am mixed up

I am missing him so much! That has been the feeling since he left to work. He needed to, that's the nature of his career. I stopped looking at his photos and his profile because i am longing for his presence more and more. I knew even before that we will be coming to this point, where i will be looking for attention and long for his touch and his presence but i never thought it would be this hard and helpless. We still have more months, weeks and days to keep this feeling and i don't know how much longer can i hold. 


Frankly, this feeling is not a good one for me. I tend to pretend that i am strong and that i can take all this inside me until this burst out into numbness. At the moment, that is what i am afraid of... that i may get tired of waiting. I hope not. Earlier in the Blessed Sacrament, I was praying intently for our petitions until i felt the guilt somehow for the people he will leave behind for me. i know i am not part of the brokenness but at at the back of my mind, i was wondering on the possibility of things that could happen if they tried to pray harder for this. I felt selfish. There was persistence in my part once that thought triggered into my mind. I know for sure, i don't wanna lose him. I don't want him back there. I want him to stand up for me and step forward with me, holding my hand firmly and taking me to our plans. I want him that much. And so i prayed again and begged to God that He may let us live to what we believe he prepared for us. 


In this times of doubts, i miss you badly. 

my Prayer...

I want you to remember the last blog i posted here wherein i asked God to shoo away the guy who started dating me last month. He turned out to be a more religious person than i am because God favored his request than mine. We kept on dating and our usual place is the church. Would you believe, we go to the Lord's home almost everyday for the past weeks he's been here. After 10 days, in his hometown, while we were all standing at the street corner, I glanced at him and saw him thinking of what to buy while his arms were crossed in his chest. I knew from that moment on, I was falling for this guy. He has been very thoughtful and concerned about me and until now after a month, he is consistently caring for me.

Now, i can say that there is really one person who will love you truthfully. God has always been listening to our prayers and we have to trust him fully because HE has better plan for us. I knew that this person is the last guy i will fall inlove with. I knelt in a church and asked God that may He not take away the person kneeling beside me, and i promised that I will never hurt him nor leave him through thick and thin.

Indeed, it is true that once you put GOD in the center of your relationship, things will always be smooth and sound. And i thank God that he made me wait for Charlemagne.. everyone, let me introduce the last boyfriend i will ever have...

here we go again...

there's someone making me "kilig" this time of the months. the moment he told me he's going to pick me up in my place, i told myself that i wouldn't feel a thing for this guy since he's another complicated man strolling around the planet. and now, here we go again.. it feels like having a butterfly in my stomach. this morning, i prayed to God that He find a way to shoo away this guy. as much as i'd like to help him move on with his life, i know that one of these days, i might fall inlove with him as well.

So please.. don't make me fall in love. I've been there and i don't wanna go thru it again. But thanks for making me smile! ;-)

MB your face!

i received a letter from a foreign client and he is as usual as bad as he was. i wonder if he knows the etiquette when coordinating with your consultants. He doesn't know how to appreciate work and all he cares about is how to look for the mistakes. He keeps on revising our plans and expect us to finish our work in a day or two. How are you supposed to finish a 10 hectare project in a day?! I wish he thought of that.

i understand that some foreigners are straight to the point and one cannot be sensitive at work but you have an attitude that i cannot stand. you're a day sucker! i really don't like you. seriously. if i could only curse you or recite a chant that would make you kinder, i would do it right now. you are really annoying! hmpf!

i've tried looking for you...

and i can't find you. i wonder if you ever tried looking for my posts and if you can read them all. i couldn't find you until i came to the realization that why should i even bother?!

we're done. i can't move on if i won't let you go and so i must STOP.

i was just wondering if you ever think of me. i miss you but i cannot accept the fact that i was your "last choice."

and so i must STOP.

=(

What now?!

Here is me asking for a thousand times with a thousand questions. Worries about the future while the future doesn't even stop for a while to take me into consideration. 
Funny though.. i have a few plans that i'd like to happen now but apparently, it doesn't take a minute to get it. 


For instance, i'd like to have a good-pay-job, not that i don't have one but its not enough. If i get one, i have to sacrifice the liberty of time that i'm getting now. I can achieve the first goal if i finish my thesis so I could get my master's degree which is i am doing now. So it needs my time, effort and perseverance to hit the first goal. 


I would like to invest into something but i have no way of doing that if i couldn't get my first goal. You see... this is me. Thinking of so much when all the answer is in front of me. I just have to plan all these things so i can put in into their respective places. 


I will end this post with my story recently. I went to the bank to find out how much i needed to maintain my account and found out that i am less halfway of my funds to keep it. Apparently, i cannot think of anything else to retain my account. I have checked my bills, counted everything else and still no answer to my predicament. Three more days before the closure of my account, my Aunt emailed me and attached to it is a receipt of the money transferred into my account. An amount much more than i needed to keep my passbook. ;-) 


This is my lesson for the week... life is like a movie... rescue comes at the end when the action has ended and in real life, it still feels good to get that help. It carries that your hopes happen when you never let go of your faith. 

Ang diwata at ang dyosa

Year 2007 when i first met her. Such a quiet girl, absolutely and i mean ABSOLUTELY opposite of how i've known her in the chatroom. Sweet, thoughtful and emotional girl. Sometimes, it gets too thick that it feels like she's possessive. Maybe she is or maybe she's not. I must admit I have a few moments of confusion with her character but I get by. I'm pretty sure she feels the same thing, the annoyance. We had the best and worst times, most of the times are the best only because we try not to  tell each other that we're pissed in our own ways. She hates me for being insensitive at times and i hate her for being too sensitive most of the time. Funny, isn't it, but its true that opposite attracts. She got this laugh that fills the room, the humor that boys cannot ignore and the sexuality that one cannot understand. Yeah, she has a lot of boys but not "the man". Just like me, we're both trying to find a guy that will make us happy and pop the statement of "Marry Me!" and we're both still looking for one. hahaha! 


You see, when i started this particular post, i wanted to rant about her sensitivity and being inconsiderate in my situation for the past few days. Surprisingly, i'm not mad at her now but i still carry this feeling of hope that she will understand that i am not like her who loves to have many friends around, who likes to shout what's happening to me over the net every hour and that her friendship feels "nakakasakal" sometimes. But I can't change her and so can she and so by being honest with her the last time, i take the consequence of getting a cold treatment. But whatever she feels, i'm still her friend. Just the same, i love her even if she thinks i don't. 


Happy Birthday, jows! May you find the right man for you and have a family of your own in no time. :) I love you, always! 

our windy summer

This is the condition of the sea at 6:00 in the morning before we start sailing for 2 hours. it was a great feeling and i stayed most of the time in front of the bangka. on our way there, i have been constantly praying that the sun will come out in time for our arrival.

I met new friends. i even met a priest, a whole family were there. all sorts of people and most of them are good ones. we stayed in a resort with 8-door rooms and i stayed in a room with three of my friends. the food was great. superb actually that not even a single shot of photo was taken because its really inviting. The owner, Aling Linda, was very humble and accommodating. If it wasn't for the food, i would say that that vacation sucks. But she and her staff did a great job. I enjoyed my friends', old and new, company. We drink, we laughed and some even cried. 

As we hop from one island to another, i realized how smart God is to making this beautiful sceneries and how lucky we are to see His creations. I couldn't believe that we have all been travelling in an almost endless sea and with much more beauties in the other side.





The sand bar is one of the highlighted features in Caramoan Island featuring a low-level sea water at the middle of the sea. Nipa huts was made at the top of the fine white sand.

If there's one thing that i learned from this trip is that no matter how bad the things can be, we can always make ourselves happy. It will always depend on how we look at it. There was rain when we get there, the wind was unstoppable, but we still enjoyed the trip. It was a bit disappointing not to see the other side of Caramoan, but hey! its one reason to go back, right?

Do not frown when things go wrong. Do not curse when things fall apart. We are way too better than that. Enjoy life! Dive in! :)

nothingness

Only when you're alone, you can find peace. That's what many philosophers say. Not that i don't believe in them, but i guess even in the midst of a turmoil you can feel the tranquility when you really have it. Take note...when you have it.. not when you need it. I am single. That's one admission i have never said for a long time for a lot of reasons and that includes complications in my relationships. But surprisingly, i am satisfied with what i have now. i am not seeking for more and i am not anxious of knowing what will i be doing the next day because i am bored and trying to kill the boredom by having coffee with some friends whom you sometimes feel that they're just using you because they also feel the same way. Confusing? nevermind. that's not the point of this blog, anyway. All i am saying is there will be a point in your life that you will stop wanting everything because you will realize that its better to have nothing and be happy with it than have everything yet you still crave for more.

i will continue this later and hoping that i still have the same aura.

Faith, Hope and Love

A hot air balloon needs a fire to keep it warm and to be lifted up. It takes a lot of effort to keep that warm air to sustain its level up in the air. Like any relationship, it takes two to tango, there's give and take and there's happiness and sadness. At the moment, i am not happy but i am not sad as well. I am like a balloon that has enough fire to keep me above and keep my sanity intact. My partner said he's getting numbed, maybe i am but i deny to be one.. numbed until my heart feels nothing at all. 


Tonight, i learned that there is one love that will always be undefined and will remain that way until noone-knows-when. Tonight, i have learned to let go of what we have been trying so hard to happen. Tonight, my faith touched me once again, that there will always be one true love in your life. It can make you cry but deep inside you, the belief that its purity will always stay whatever may happen. The Bible said it right and proved to a human like me that Love is patient and love is kind... it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it is not easily angered. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 


In time, i am hoping you can read this... beside me. Then I may say, WE persevered because it is really a TRUE LOVE. :) 
**************


1 Corinthian 13:4-7 
 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

midlife crisis?

maybe this is it. not that i wanted to die on my 60 years, but i think i am having one big-confusion-of-a-day today. i woke up today decided to do my usual errands on a Wednesday. but lately, it feels like i'm tired of doing my usual workloads, it feels like a routine. it feels like an obligation to sleep-wake up-work-come home-do this and do that-things.. i am kinda confused lately. 


i open my facebook account and yet i don't find any interesting activity to click, in fact, nothing interests me lately. except the sweet things, the shoppings, make-over and all the things that will put my time into trash and put my money into waste. i am bored. i wanted something new, i wanted something to catch my interest, i want some challenge in my career. 


i'm not thinking about settling down or having a baby, i think i'm inclined on thinking how to prepare myself eventually into things, my future. and as i write this down, i seriously don't have any idea what's happening to me. 


i am really BORED. :( as bored as this blog. 
i wish someone can help to pull me out of this mess. 
i miss the things that i used to love. 

Architectural Professional Practice - Design

One of the presentations i'd like to share...

Architectural Professional Practice - Design

View more presentations from Yasser Mahgoub.

LuckList of the Year 2011

So here's my list of the year.. the things that i really really think that i need to accomplish before another 363 days pass me by.



1.  Do not worry about my future. I know this is psychological one, but i noticed this has been keeping me from doing things. Instead, i have to be excited about my future so i can start doing things for good. :)





2. Health Matters. I have to find an OB-gyne to have my check-up and know if i need to take pills by this time. Next, i have to see a doctor for a possible thyroid problem. While doing that, i have to commit with my regular exercise and that is also one of my resolution, to eat less.





3. Finish my thesis this year. I have to commit that i SHOULD start doing it since no one else will do it for me. A good way to exercise concentration and a good distraction too. Haha!



4. Career wise. Try to expand and think maturely in terms of business and productivity. As of today I am working as and architect, site planner, landscape designer and educator. I can handle being an architect since i have it on my own. The site planning and landscape designing is inclined to project coordinator and management. Obviously, being an educator is not an easy task since it eats most of my time. So i guess, time management is the best way to resolve this.







For now, these are the things in my mind. Not a bad number and that wouldn't put too much pressure on me. One item in a quarter is very much possible and i am pretty sure there's more to come in each item. With all the positivity and in God's grace.. i know i can reach it.

down

i am a night person. i love silence maybe because i am loud and me being loud may be because i have so much to cry for and i don't want to think about them. i don't want to wallow on things that will put me down. but tonight i feel the emptiness when he said goodnight. i still want him to keep me company but i can't ask him to do it for me. i have been feeling this emptiness for the past few days because i know i am looking for something that is not easy to have. i beginning to hate holidays because i don't want to miss anyone special in my life and longing for them is sad. i don't wanna be sad. 

all i have prayed for and wanted every hour of my day is to be happy so i can share that happiness to others. its not easy to pretend in the real world. i pray that tonight, God will bless me with faith, courage and wisdom to surpass this test. 

on the 1st day of January

Today is the 1st day of January 2011 and the firecrackers stopped. I am at the midst of its silence and all i can hear is my eyes saying i'd like to rest but my mind won't let me. She knows there's something today that i need to say before we welcome the new day.

For the past 2010, a lot has changed and much things happened. In the span of 6 months big changes was made.  Love was lost and found and lost and found again. I realized, life is like a cycle, a tire that keeps on turning and in rough roads, it slows down to adjust. I, was not able to slow down and just like a tire, its bruised until it tores apart. I am bruised, but i need to pass thru that road again so i can reach the place where i came from. I don't have a good road to take, but i know after this, I will see a highway. I will have a smooth sailing ride. For now, while i take the rough road, i know someone above will always be guiding me to take control of my wheel.

I have learned how to trust and i lost it once. Now, i have to gain back my faith to all the positive energies in the world. So here i come, 2011, i will my way out here as well in the next 12 months. lets take it easy.